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@ktoab

Here's a very touching, poignant song I wrote a few years back.  OK, that's a lie.  I wrote the lyrics a few years back as a goof and wrote a melody tonight and recorded it.  Submitted for your disapproval.

I Done Et a Toad

Fine print: Copyright J. Martine 2009. 

Came across this whilst looking for a cell phone.

I'm seriously considering making an offer as I am looking for a phone that has nothing to do with apes.  My last phone was primate and the cost of bananas was a serious problem.  Also, as you can see by the picture of the phone he does not have a picture of the phone.

You just can't make this stuff up.  Well, I can but the real stuff is gold.

Editors Note: I'm serious.  My last cell phone was a Samsung V2 Ring-tailed Lemur.  It was a good deal but when I got it home and tried to dial a number it bit me and shrieked.  It ran all over the house and shit on everything.  I had to shoot it and those pricks at Verizon would NOT issue a refund.

I posted something today that I originally thought was kind of funny.

It wasn't.  It was stupid, insensitive and had the potential to hurt.  I apologize to anyone who read it and was offended.

So I'm driving home from work tonight.  Busy highway.  I hit a slow pack of cars and can see a quarter of a mile up ahead.  Brown car....turn signal on for the next two miles...going 55 tops in a 65 zone during rush hour.  3 miles... I can make out that it's a circa 1980 something Dodge Aries K...the color of unhealthy feces. 

4 miles....I overtake the K.  The driver looked exactly as I imagined he would. 

Exactly.

I also know that this man's house smells like slightly spoiled lunch meat.  Trust me on this one.

This one time I saw an ad in the paper for "Free Range Chicken" at the grocery store.  I'd never tried range chicken before but thought "what the hell, it's free".

Man, was I disappointed.

The boy is getting a lizard for his birthday.  I think reptiles are pretty cool and so does he.  I suspect Maggie the yellow lab will think they are delicious and I have every confidence that we will eventually find out. 

Do the math.

When I was a kid I tried to gross out my brother by telling him that there was a dead fly in his fruit salad. It didn't bother him in the least but I succeeded in grossing myself out and ultimately threw up on the kitchen floor.  My mother was not pleased.

Yeah, after 2 years that's all I've got.

Designer dogs.  Hate 'em.  What's that?  They're "hybrids?".  Screw you Biff, they're mutts.  Go to the pound, pay your 50 dollars and act like a man.  "This here dog is a pound dog....it eats cockapoos".  That's the kind of gritty Joe Bagadoughnuts, fat-guy off the rack sensibility your humble author can relate to.

Just for the record: I can't stand yer labradoodle, puggle, yorkipoo, hamstershund, chickenbernard, shnoodle, any dog cross-bred with a shih tzu (reigning "Gheyest Dog on the Planet"), shnorkie, maltipoo, antelopoodle, pugapoo, non-descript--tiny-bodied-over-sized-head-google-eyed-freak-of-nature-overpriced-but-you're-willing-to-pay-1000-smackers-because-you're -a-tool dog.

For the record...I own a weiner dog and a yellow lab.  Neither is superior to a mutt but damnit, call a mutt a mutt.

There, I feel better.  As you were.

(note: each line is followed by the classic blues riff "ba da da da dum")

mmmm.. gots some mojo workin'
got a piece o some pie
got a big oozin' chancre
and a case of pink eye
gots the bad butt stank
be a funk in de air
got a small glass of cola
mixed up wid cat hair
I fell off my bar stool
landed right on my head
my lip done swell up
be all bloody and red
my hair all burnt off
in a bad accident
my intestines exploded
wid a questionable scent
got me the scabies
and I gots lime disease
I gots me some rabies
and big holes in my knees
my toenails be yellow
all crusty and hard
my old lady calls me
Jean Luc Retard
got a serious problem
wid de chronic itch
gotta get me some sandpaper
and take care o dat b...
I got me no credit
I got me no bread
I gots halitosis
no teef in my head
bow shoomy da boomy
bow oomy ba doom
bow shoomy da foomy
bow goom ba boom
(fade)