Mitt Romney says that crazy cat ladies are "one of the biggest threats to the fabric of our society."

The presidential candidate, who spoke at a Family Research Council-sponsored Values Voter Summit over the weekend, said: "We're not going to beat Hillary Clinton by acting like a bunch of Godless cat kooks,'' reported the Baltimore Sun.

"We have been taught from our youth that single to dual cat ownership is ordained by God, and cats are a gift of the Lord,'' Romney said. "Reasonable cat ownership is the building block of the nation. It is the economic unit of our society. This is not just rhetoric. It is reality.

"One of the biggest threats to the fabric of our society is out-of-control cat ownership,'' said Romney, promising that he and wife Ann "are going to use the bully pulpit to teach America that before anyone owns more than two cats, they should  maybe get a dog or some fish. It really is time to make excessive cat ownership out-of-fashion again.''

"I will look to support the rights of those who eschew a yard full of cat turds,'' he said, saying there is something "fundamentally wrong'' about parents not being able to pull their children from schools where they "are being taught about multiple cat ownership.

"As president, I will work with the people in this room, as I have for the past four years, to champion a federal cat ownership amendment to protect owners of less than 5 cats as pure and good. Every cat deserves a reasonably turd free litter box,'' he said, critical of "simply astonishing'' judicial rulings that have permitted crazy old housecoat wearing ladies named "Sally" to own as many cats as they wish. "Make no mistake on this a federal amendment on this is the only way we can protect Our Great Land from liberal, unelected, cat lady-coddling judges.''

Editor's Note:  Go to Newsmax.com, pick almost any article, change the subject matter from "same-sex marriage" or whatever to something even sillier. Then change a word and phrase here and there and voila! Comedy gold.  Maybe comedy pewter but you get the idea.

My buddy has a grill.  It's a Brinkman.  He paid a goodly number of Benjamins for it and has come terms with the fact that it's a piece of steaming fecal matter. My guess it that it was most likely manufactured by the Brinkman subsidiary "Rust-o-Plenty Outdoor Cookstuff".

Regardless, if I were to come up with a farcical name for a corporation it would definitely be "Brinkman". 

Yeah, "Brinkman"

I bought my dog a trampoline
his bouncing flung him skyward
He landed on a pointy stick
and with a yelp expired

Tom awoke at 4:42 and headed downstairs.  He flipped on the kitchen light and poured himself a heaping bowl of Meaties.  He drank his coffee straight from the pot and contemplated the coming day.  "Today I shall buy duct tape" he said out loud.  His cat Mewpsy (the one with no paws) eyed him curiously as if he were a day old tuna and went back to licking the wallpaper.  The radio was on and Bruce Springsteen was singing about a car and New Jersey and smokes and a factory and some trailer park girl.  Tom hated Bruce but liked the station because sometimes it played artists who weren't Bruce Springsteen.  Mewspy ambled across the floor on her gnarled, footless legs like a clown on stilts.  Her steps made little clunky noises on the bare linoleum,  barely audible but perfect in their syncopation.  In a small ranch house on the other side of town a fat woman was eating mayonaise directly from the jar using her bloated, discolored fingers to scoop the greasy payload into her quivering mouth. 

The End

Those shiny, blackish green nighttime cold capsules go pretty well with a dry red wine.  On the other hand, Sudafed is complimented nicely by a large, strong coffee.  Between these two cocktails and a plugged up head I'm hovering in a state of static  moronitude.  Awash in a sea of muddy, dim-witted half-thoughts and mood swings.  Breathing with an open mouth like a fat man at a doughnut festival.  Hacking phlegm and looking for the Ritz crackers because everything tastes good when it sits on a Ritz.

Have you seen my monkey Claude?

Sometimes when I see someone walking a little fluffy dog with an expensive haircut I wonder how far I could hit it with a nine iron.

Mewpsy the cat lived with Bert and Patty.  Bert and Patty loved Mewpsy.  Bert wore plaid pants and white shoes.  Patty liked to play the autoharp.  Oft times Bert would stroke Mewpsy while Patty played the chords to Bryan Adams songs.  Patty smelled like old cheese.  They lived in a trailer with reproduction prints of velvet paintings of Elvis and John Elway. 

One day Bert was making toast.  Patty was not at home.  The toaster shorted out and started a fire.  One of the the paintings melted over a clock which is odd when you think about paintings of melting clocks (or not).  Bert's polyester pants burst into flames and he tried to put them out by beating them with Patty's autoharp.  The autoharp exploded killing Bert instantly.  Patty fell down the steps at the funeral home and rolled under a bus.

Mewpsy moved in with the family next door.

The End.

• Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen is in hot water for calling Chicago sports writer Jay Mariotti a f****** f*g.  A contrite Guillen offered an apology yesterday.  "I didn't mean no disrespect" said Guillen.  "I mean he's a peter puffer for sure but it was pretty bad of me to disrespect all nancy boys".
• Bob Eucker's stalker has been arrested in Illinois and will be extradited to Wisconsin to face trial.  In related news David Hasselhoff has offered $500 a week to anyone who would be willing to stalk the former "Baywatch" and "Night Rider" star.
• NASA reports that scientists are nearing a breakthrough on the relationship between the depletion of the ozone layer and the ever-growing gravitational pull of Barry Bonds' enormous head.
• American World Cup team Soccer coach Bruce Arena has professed himself to be an "idiot".  We contacted Ozzie Guillen who offered up the following.  "Idiot?  I dunno.  He's probably a pole smoker but I don't think he's a stupid head".  Several suitors have lined up to take the place of the almost certain-to-depart coach including Fred Stadium, Joey Astrodome and Paul Collesium.